Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize