I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
