I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
