New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
