90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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