i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
