Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
