You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
