Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
