my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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