No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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