We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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