When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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