I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
