I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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