yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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