I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
