Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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