Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
