Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
