I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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