do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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