I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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