Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
