oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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