Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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