I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
