i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Boobs are out for the taking
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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