Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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