There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
