Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
