I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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