i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
two words...techno handjob
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
