He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize