I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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