it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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