I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Bring me that man meat
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
