I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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