All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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