i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
