yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
