Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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