Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
