You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
