1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize