I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
