She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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