Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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