I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
