Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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