the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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