My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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