I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
