you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
