You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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