I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
