just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
