your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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