Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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