Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
